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04:41 pm
[Link] |
No More Drama
Friends Only
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12:55 am
[Link] |
Dish it out. I'll dish it back
People piss me off and that's all I am gonna say about that.
Anyway, the Auction was tonight. Tommy took me to Kohl's to by some clothes. It was so annoying. First there was this gray pants suit I got the pants in a 3 (Yay) but NONE the Jacket or blouses would fit over my giant monterish-freak of nature boobs. Then there was lots of wondering around un't I found a jacket that buttoned XL :-( a camy that streched (yay strechy) and the size 3's... THEN all the shoes were too narrow for my feet, apparent my feet have gained weight?
The Auction was good but the volunteers pissed me off. They were not where they were supposed to be and so they missed there ride, but didn't need on any way because they HAD A FUCKING CAR!!! Why didn't they do that IN THE FIRST PLACE instead of making me crazy for a whole week? It was okay though the chocolate fountain fixed everything :-) (and I wonder why my ass is getting bigger)
I gotta get up early I have a presentation to give at a church in Ypsi (Joy) It's only for an hour or so. Plus I am giving myself a day off since I worked 12 hours of over time this week, which means I get to go out which Charles for Karoke Tommorrow, YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY I really hope tom comes out for at least a little while
That's all I am too annoyed with people that think they have the right to tell people how to feel.
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11:31 pm
[Link] |
Piss and moan
My Love just bought another video game, gears of war or something. I have to entertain my self I geuss. Also I am gaining a lot of weight, I can not even kidding. Tommy agreed to tak me shopping for tomorrow's Auction but I am not even excited thanks to my antidepression meds. Gaining wieght depresses me, does anyone else see the problem here? Tommy keeps saying "One's flankin" I dunno what that means.
Some good things to report
I got rides for the volunteers
I made homemade Mac and chees and it was not only edible but really good.
Tommy said he would buy me stuff
I got to see Katie and realized it had been over 7 months since she had been to my apartment... too long.
Listening to the boy plays games is more than a litle entertaining. He gets so excited. Goodness I love him!
Current Mood:  disappointed
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12:33 pm
[Link] |
I hate being in charge of volunteers
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *stress*
So we have this Auction tomorrow right? And there about 10 volunteers that are helping out at this thing. They are the kind of volunteers where you are screwed if they don't show up. Well they decided to imform me that six of them need transportation to and from the event!!! I have one person who said they could take three there, and my mom says she'll drive them if I get stuck. But HELLO I mean they've known about this for months!
This jump is not for people with anxeity disorder.
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06:10 pm
[Link] |
Sexy Specs
I look like I am completely spaced out on drugs be we can ignore that right?
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01:57 pm
[Link] |
oh yeah..
I got my new glasses... no one noticed so they must be good.
I miss my stephy :-( *tear* thanksgiving needs to be here NOW.
We must so many people I love and need be SO FAR AWAY?
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01:02 pm
[Link] |
The good and the bad
OH. MY. GOD. Guess what I have a GODIVA Belgian Blends DARK chocolate Mocha THIS is definatly better than sex. It is heaven, a gift from God incredable!
You know what really pieces me off. When you take time to do something nice for someone and instead of saying thank you for your effort they tell you they don't like it or you did it wrong.
yeah, feeling like you can't do anything right is really discouraging.
:-/
I am just gonna stop going out of my way to make people happy. Because nobody ever thinks of me... I know that's childish but I don't have a strong enough ego to cope with "Doing things wrong"
I give up, don't expect anything from me.
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01:24 pm
[Link] |
Sorry Baby love....
Banana Pudding IS BETTER THAN SEX!!!
*shiver*
That's all
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10:32 am
[Link] | No pics I swear!
I did that survey 3 days ago and apparently I didnt post it. LJ saved it for me? Why doesn't that ever happen with the REALLY important updates. Not that they are important to you all. I got home last night around eight pm and when I crawled into bed at nine and realized that I would be back her in less than 12 hours because my mother moved and can no longer drive me in late if I want, I was very discouraged. I guess its paybacks for not working in college...
I am far less motivated this week and I have to work this weekend! Saturday AND Sunday.... growl. Saturday is the company Auction and sunday morn I have to go to a church in ypsi and talk about WTE. I think I am going to talk to my boss about making a display board for the Washtenaw Talent Exchange. 7 months for me and Tommy! Time is just moving so fast. I doubt we will do anything since its on a weekday and I have to work and Tom is not that type of person, I always thought it was fun, but you cant have your cake and eat it too. I guess, though way have cake that you cant eat? Tonight I am going out to dinner with some of my friends from work. GIR was so bad last night that I had to put him in ths closer. He leaves me alone when I am sleeping but he for some reason likes to pick on Tommy. He was not having that. Its a walk in clost so it whas nt all bad. He was really mad at me when tom left this morning but I woke up with him sleeping peacefully next to me so I think that I am forgiven
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08:29 pm
[Link] |
Yes there more...
I'll stop after this
Aww he loves me
We actually look alot in this one. YAY!
I promise I'm done for the night
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06:37 pm
[Link] |
sick of seeing GIR... TOO BAD so sad!
You never guess he was a devilish thing would ya...
LIES AND TRICKORY this cat is evil. But how do you hate that face...
I want to hug him and call him George
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05:27 pm
[Link] |
I think he has a stash of cat nip between the matresses
I suppose I should make something to eat... but I am not hungry and cooking for one boy is silly
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09:32 am
[Link] |
oooOOOooo this is a good one!
TEN random things about me:
1. My hair is getting REALLY long
2.I always cook more food then I need
3. My toothbrush is blue
4. I have the best girlfriend, boyfriend,best friend and roomie in the whole world
5. I am going to see aerosmith on December 1
6. My room is never clean
7. I often shop by texture... I feel all the cloths in the department store. The softer/cozier the better
8. I love cuddling up with a million blankets in the winter
9. I worry I am not making enough good memories
10. I have cotten mouth right now.
NINE ways to win my heart:
1. Kiss me for no reason
2. tell me I'm pretty
3. Be honest
4. Let me cry without asking why
5. make me laugh
6. surprise me
7. leave me love notes
8. cuddle with me like there's nothing else you'd rather do
9. Be my hero (help my family move, come get me when i'm stranded, fix what's broken ect.)
EIGHT things I want to do before I die:
1. Be really really happy again
2. Write those books I talk about so much
3. Get married
4. get a master and a PHD
5. learn to drive
6. be happy with my image in the mirror
7. Do something completly selfless
8. Stay and a really expensive hotel for a weekend
SEVEN things I believe:
1. I believe you cant "get over" your past, you just learn to accept it for what it is
2. I believe that the little things truely bring the most happiness
3.Laughter is contagious
4. bubble baths fix everything
5. True love never dies
6. Family doesnt have to mean blood
7.Walking is overrated
SIX things that get me mad (or annoyed/paranoid/frustrated):
1.AB's in handicap spaces. The reason there there is so we have room for lifts/wheelchairs not just because they are closer
2. Hating anything based on isolated instances
3. PC uptight Assholes
4. people trying to "save" me
5. people who toss me aside and expect me to be there when the need me
6. Not throwing trash away
FIVE things I'm afraid of:
1. My own head
2.Getting my heart broken again
3, death
4. failure
5. People hating me
FOUR of my fave items in my room:
1. Pictures
2. my fishes
3. daddy and grandma's rings
4. my books.
THREE things I do everyday:
1. Kiss my Tommy
2. Play with GIR
3.take my meds
TWO things I need to do right now:
1. work
2. pay some bills
ONE person I want to see right now:
1. Stephy!
Tags: survey
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08:53 pm
[Link] | It seems I am never happy with the layout of this thing... I need to learn how to make one myself
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05:42 pm
[Link] |
Sunday
Sundays are always so lazy. Didn't sleep well last night. I went to breakfast with my mom this morning, without Tom as he didnt feel good. Mom and I went shopping, since she has money now. I bought MORE close but then didn't give me the sale price so I have to take them back and see whats up..
Came back and passed out. Now I am talking to jordan and contemplating making dinner. I haven't talked to Jordan in so long, its happy!
thats all
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08:20 pm
[Link] |
KITTY
not much today. Laundry and lunch with the friends. I FINALLY got laid, damn it took long enough! Tom bought a router today so I don't have to feel bored and rejected when he plays his games.
Now lets get on to the point of this post... pictures!
My kitty loves me... i really am sleeping in this pic I didnt know Tom took it until I commented on how long and hard I slept...
and tommy has a new gaming buddy
My cat picks weird places to nap
That's all. Enjoy your night.
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10:04 am
[Link] |
what I want
Its friday and I don't feel like working. Last night was a good time (once Tom got out of his grumpy mood) we went out with Charles and Charles' friend Dave. Not sure how I feel about that kid. First of all he was trying way too hard to seem impressive, and I also got this weird vibe from him like he wanted to see what I look like without my clothes. Anyone that will hit on you while your boyfriend is sitting right there is sleazy at least in my opinion.
In other news I need to get laid. I keep having sex dreams...
Which reminds me that my little sis is going to be 18 soon, I can feel corruption's dirty hands reaching in already to turn her into god know what. *hyperventalates* I think I'll just pretend like its not happening... yeah that'll work!
I wanna go home. I wanna have my boy waiting for me when I get there. Then I want to cuddle up on the couch and get all cozy warm, order pizza, watch a movie together and then have sex in front of the fire place. But as Tommy would say, you can shit and one hand and wish in the other...
Hunting Season... bah humbug!
*shrug* I'll manage. I guess i could cuddle with my kitty until tom gets home and then maybe we can watch a movie it pizza and all the rest. Maybe.
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05:57 pm
[Link] |
sigh
I love being ignored...
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03:12 pm
[Link] |
I need to give myself a break
Okay hopefully that is out of my system.
My medicine is giving me cotton mouth like nobody's business. I feel like Jim Carry's charater in me myself and Irene...
Session was okay. Talked a lot about my tendency to make how I feel fact. I FEEL lik Tom doesn't want to be with me anymore, I feel like friends have abandoned me, I feel like I am a worthless blob, but none of those feelings are facts. It's weird how silly you feel when someone else looks at your situation objectivly.
thats enough for today
Current Mood:  anxious
Tags: health, selfish
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12:48 pm
[Link] |
I'm one of those girls
*sigh* another day... it seems my headaches are coming back which really sucks. I'll live. I hope. Last night was fun. Tom's Aunt Joanne is one of those people that really loves the holidays. Nolan (Tom's Brother) got to scare all the kids by leaping out of a casket as they walked by. I laughed cuz for once, I wasnt the one jumping. Aside from the cold, it was fun. I was kinda sad that I didn't have a costume though.
I am so pathetic, Mom wanted me to go to her place and spend the night so she didnt have to get up as early to take me to my appointment. I told her I would miss my kitty and my Tommy way too much. She laughed at me but agreed to come get me in the morning. So I have officailly become one of those people that wants to be with their boyfriend as much as humanly possible. Who saw that coming? Yeah neither did I.
Oh well.
I'm off.
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09:23 am
[Link] | Happy Holloween! Today I shall eat insane amount of CANDY and not feel guilty!
I'm feeling really insecure today, I'm not sure what that is about. My panic attacks are coming back. So much for my kitten being my cure all. I fell asleep really early last night, I dunno why I was so tired. Oh well Tom was entertained, so I don't feel too bad.
Tonight I am going out to Tom's Aunt Joanne's house. Apparently she has a haunted house every year so I get to spend the evening scaring little children.
Speaking of Scaring people, Nick scared the crap out of me when he picked me up this morning. Too bad my boys weren't arould, they would have had a good laugh. I told Nick I was gonna get him fired.
Thats all for me I guess. I get to leave work early today. YAY!!!
Current Location: work (I live here)
Current Mood:  I have no idea....
Current Music: clickity clackity...man I LOVE this song
Tags: blah, health, holloween, tom
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02:09 pm
[Link] |
Random goodness and a little something stolen from Ben
Hi everyone! Sorry I didn't update all weekend! The boy had the x box going... My home is officailly not home anymore. Tom and I helped my Mommy move out Saturday. (There is a long story behind this so lets just say she fucked up and the bank is taking it) Actally Tom did most of the helping I entertained the cat, watched and went shopping with Seester. He got all muddy and gross and had to pull the moving van out of the mud pit that used to be my front yard with his truck. He is so my hero.
Mom was all cry-e and sad. I wish that Tom and I could just buy the house and fix it up. I grew up there, got drunk there, had every emo teenage breakdown there, lost my virginity there, all sorts of memories are tied up in that house and even though I didn't live there, my Mommy did, so I could always go home when I wanted to.
Oh well things change, people move on, o-blah-de o blah da life goes oooooooon.
It's monday. That upsets me. The cat got under my feet this morning and a pretty much fell on him. he yowled and hissed. Poor kitty. Payback for the puncture wound on my pinky. I have a funny picture to post later today.
Now I must go and be productive, try and earn some money and what have you.
later days
Current Location: work
Current Mood:  contemplative
Current Music: clickity clackity
Tags: house random, tom
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09:05 am
[Link] | Welp, its friday and the weekend is upon us. I am quite perky this morning. I got THE BEST SLEEP last night. I have not slept that good in months. I think the kitty is really helping me. I know that sounds cheesy but it cant be the medicine yet and GIR is the only change that has been made. I bet if Charles knew that a kitty would make me less crazy he would have bought me one a long time ago.
I made dinner last night, Chicken Parmesan it was okay in my opinion, but I don't think tom liked it too much, or maybe he ate at home and didn't tell me.
This weekend we are helping my Mom move and going to a halloween party with my girlfriend. I think I'm going as the girl from the ring. (For lack of a better idea). Tonight is a basketball game with mary at the highschool (if she ever gets here) and sometime between all that I have to drag the boys down to the leasing office and get the ball rolling on that before I start freaking out and getting nervous.
I have nothing pressing for work today. I hope this day goes by fast.
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03:08 pm
[Link] |
Stole from lil sister
01. That it's always the pretty girls that think they are ugly
02. My kitty
03. My Tommy, and the fact that I don't get to see him til nine
04. Worrying about the apartment for next year
05. Getting Tommy to fill out his application
06. Did Charles take the trash out?
07. I hope Gir is okay.
08. I really should be working, but there is nothing to be done
09. that probably isn't true?
10. Have I always been so dramatic?
11. Why doesn't life make sense anymore?
12. Cramps
13. I want my old life back
14 Except with Tom in it... and Gir
15. I guess two things I wouldn't give back for the world is better than nothing
16. I hope the bus isnt late today
17. I really want to go home
18. How rude my co-worker is
19. What happened to all those people I used to know. Do people stop exsisting when we stop knowing whether or not they still exsist
20. I need to get a look at that story I was writing
21. How much of your world do you create and how much actually exists?
22. I am so broke.
23. Rent
24. Did I pay all the bills
25. Did I flush the toilet?
26. Did tom remember to shur the bathroom dow so Gir doesn't jump in the toilet and drown?
27. Can cats drown
28. I miss my kitty
29. What can we have for dinner tonight
30. Tuna
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08:47 pm
[Link] | Ahhhh Kitty
I am so in love
And I love him too. This is the goofiest picture ever, but I think it is cute.
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09:34 am
[Link] |
cuteness attack
My new kitten is so cute I can't stand it. My head is going to explode!
I'm naming him GIR. I love him already. He is sleeping now. In the cat carrier a friend brought. Tom will take him home at lunch... I don't think he should be alone yet though. He is scared. Maybe I'll go home with him.
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10:25 am
[Link] |
where have I been?
This weekend was crazy busy. Friday Jen and I went shopping at the westland mall. It was good times. I found a ZIM shirt and a shirt for my boy that says "boobies make me smile" I also got a sweater and a supergirl hoodie. None of you are surprised I know. Came home at ten pm. I was missing Tom so bad that it was pathetic. I dunno how I ever did the long distance thing.
Saturday was my half sister's dad's funeral. I should not have gone. Turns out death gives me severe panic attacks. Saturday evening was sister's reception. I was all depressed and sad for most of it. I know it's bad but sometimes other people's happiness just makes things worse. Tom and I had fun though, being goofy and getting in hay fights and all. Love him, even though I found hay on my boob the next morning :)
I don't remember sunday.... thats weird. I think we cleaned? Oh! and went to see Flicka with Mary! I liked it, even though I forgot we saw it altogether. The living situation for the next year is working itself out. yay for that. I need Stephy here, because it would be done already!
I get my kitty tomorrow... adorable pics to come! Yay!
For those of you that worry. I'm fine. Panic is starting to get under control again, and I promise not to die any time soon.
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01:27 pm
[Link] |
Stupid Stupid Stupid
Well I didn't get cuddles last night... halo 2 superceased me. Oh well.
I made myself some pasta and gorged until I literally made myself ill. Stupid Pasta. Turns out not eating all day then gorging is bad. Then there was lots of panic which was no fun. Stupd panic.I disliked last night a lot.
Moving on.
I almost died this morning. Stupid van driver was flying down Jaskon heading downtown and hit a huge pothole. We almost flipped. Scarey. Stupid driver. I hate that driver.
My boyfriends cell phone is out of minutes and has been for two days. I miss talking to him. stupid cellphone.
This afternoon I am leaving work early to go shopping with jen. That will be fun. Yay. Then tomorrow there is a memorial service for my sister's dad and Angela's reception. Then I might get to see Tom. Sigh.
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02:42 pm
[Link] | On my gosh today needs to be over. It is dragging ass. Mostly because there is ALWAYS a freaky slow week before everything goes nuts again. Also all I ate today was an apple, a handful of goldfish crakers, and a sucker. My stomach and head hurt, but I am not actually hungry. yay depression. I would eat anyway but neither mary nor alex is here and tommy couldn't bring me anything I guess. His phone is outta minutes and the day goes slow without his phonecall to break things up.
Session went good today, we talked about how the things that we say to ourselves really have a effect on our moods. I talked about what kinds of thoughts are themes for me. today we worked on "if i make a mistake something terrible will happen" apparently my definition of "terrible" has been altered by my anxiety and I now equate every mistake with impending doom. This does not do me any good.
You know what is crazy. I had no idea that my thoughts were so depressing or that I was being super hard on myself until I had it pointed out to me. But it stems back to a lot of my fears of rejection and failure. go figure. They also put me on new meds since the Prozac is so obviously not working and I actually feel worse or just dont care anymore since I've been on it. Yay for new drugs.... I guess.
I'm tired. and so ready for pj's dinner and CSI
hopefully with my boy, you know in the begining he used to say lets go get our PJs on and then we'd sit on the couch and watch whatever was on together, until he or I fell asleep and the other one would drag us off to bed... Now theres internet, games, or a second TV to entertain us... usually in seperate rooms
Not as fun as cuddles at all
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01:04 pm
[Link] | I am so depressed. I just want to cry and cry and cry forever or until the hurt goes away. Whichever comes first.
Someone hold me please.
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07:52 pm
[Link] |
Oh the exciting life I lead
My fat ass goldfish died. It is sad. He made me laugh a lot.
Today was okay. I had a REALLY HORRIFYING panic attack lastnight and was up most the night. But I got to talk to Charles. Skipped worked and went with Tommy to keep him company while he cut up deer parts. Am I a great girlfriend or what?
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07:34 pm
[Link] | Mary took me to the post office this after noon so that I could mail out the newsletters. What took my boss two hours last time took mary and I five minutes... we really should get paid more. We played hookie and spent the rest of the day watching Open Season. Was disappointing. Now I am preheating the oven and waiting for my baby to get home. He is out doing his guy stuff. I miss him :( Talked to my daddy, who made me feel better.
Guess who has the best boyfriend and the best daddy in the world?
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11:24 am
[Link] | Well what I always knew would happen, happened. Robby got engaged. I am not so much upset that he is engaged, but rather mad that I had to find out through Myspace instead of through people that supposedly love me (my sister and Mikey. It also brought out the old feeling of unfairness. Everyone telling me I need to forget about him and how he hurt me. Then my sister marries his best friend, and now no matter what he is always gonna be in the periferal of my life. My dad saw him when he wnt out to visit, which means, my sister saw him and my baby saw him. I feel betrayed because he hurt me so so bad worse then I have ever hurt and yet he gets to be around those I love the most. Maybe it is unfair of me to expect my family to resent someone who hurt me. But I would do it for her. I cried yesterday for about an hour after I got off the phone with sister because she made it sound like I was the bad guy, that it was rediculous for me to want him to be miserable because of what he did to me. The really strange part is that Tommy understands, he understands my anger and my hurt and he know that it can still hurt even though I love HIM now, with my whole heart. Its not that I want Rob back, its not like I wanna marry the guy. I just hate that I have ties with him, and that despite those ties my family can't give me a fair warning. I am resentful that they arn't angry. I am angry because I feel like my feelings and my experiences were just ignored to make room for someone elses happiness. I am sad, because I feel disregarded. And yes part of me does remember his promises to me and his unwillingness to sacrifice anything for me when I would have killed myself for him. That makes me feel like I was nothing. And THAT hurts and will always hurt, my love for Tommy has nothing to do with it. I love Tom. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don't know what I would ever do without him. He knows this and he understands that this hurt has nothing to do with him. I just wish everyone else did.
Current Mood:  angry
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02:38 pm
[Link] |
argh
God/the powers that be/ whatever controls the universe HATES me!
I'm so freaking stupid.
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03:15 pm
[Link] |
Everything always looks better in the morning
I am feeling a lot better today. Ended up going home yesterday because my muscles hurt and I was panicing making it pointless to be here, so I went home and had my panic attack while eating chinese and watching Zim DVD's with Charles. It was much easier not to focus on being uncomfortable that way.
Session with the therapist went good. I still need work on my cognative distortions, the all or nothing thoughts that started the depression and panic to begin with, but I am headed in the right direction. Also my medication specialist thinks the spasticity is do to the dose increase and that it should be gone by next week. She wants me to stick it out, take Xanax to sleep if I have too.
Breakfast with Mom after session..... YUM
Tom talked me though a lot yesterday. He didn't tell me it would all be fine but pointed out that I have a lot of options and probably am only 'stuck' because I have settled for mediocure thinking that is the best I'll get, instead of going after what I want and persuing better options. My baby is so smart.
So I will rewrite my resume soon.
Work is going really well, few meetings with the boss, few acomplished goals and some new goals to reach for have me reenergized again.
Yay for me.
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02:13 pm
[Link] |
The day from hell marches on
My whole body hurts and my startle reflex is going haywire. I don't think Prozac likes me very much.
*cry whimper pout*
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12:04 pm
[Link] |
I'm really depressed
On our way back from lunch, I talked with Mary about the hopelessness I have been feeling lately. When I first graduated from college I really thought I was going to be the first person to REALLY make it in the able world. Now I just feel hopeless, this is it. I know people with Masters whose only job offer has been a CIL. What the hell if the fucking point? I just feel as though the only thing I can hope for is to get married, have kids and be a stay at home Mom. Maybe then I wouldn't feel like the failure I feel like now. In college I was so idealistic and now I'm realistic and pessemistic and it really stinks.
What do I have left to hope for?
At least I am not alone in my feelings...
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08:48 am
[Link] | Yesterday was six months for Tom and I. I made dinner, but other than that we didn't do anything. He was playing Halo 2 on x box so I just read, watched TV, and worked on stuff for therapy...
I guess we will do something this weekend to celebrate.
I guess the difference between long distance relationship and relationships like this is that every moment doesn't feel specail. Every minute isn't charished... I guess that is understandable and makes sense, we see eachother everyday; but it still sort of lousy. I don't want Tom and I to take eachother for granted just because we see eachother all the time.
Another eight hours at a desk. At least Mary and I are going to lunch.
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02:20 pm
[Link] |
The Misadventures of Mary and Melissa Part I
My Room is clean for the first time since Stephy was here and we have food in the fridge. Tommy and I are starting to get our shit together. Last night was fun. I took lots of pictures which I will hopefully someday get uploaded.
So, Mary and I were at the scene of a crime last night... sort of. We went to Wendy's to get some supper and her coach was at the speaker in front of us. After a while they finally pull up to the next window. We are at the spear for ten minutes and nothing, but we are talking so we don't notice. Finally her coach gets out of his van and asked if we saw a guy run past, neither of us had, apparently the place was being robbed. Her coach tells us this and he starts looking for the guy (kinda dumb) we hear sirans and all the sudden a cop is screaming at her coach to get down on the ground. Meanwhile he is yelling "I'm the one that called!!" I'm just waiting for a gun to go off. The cop and him get it figured out and the cop asks if we saw anything. We say no that it looked empty when we pulled in. Then we here over the radio that some guy has been shot inside! It was nuts. Mary asks if we can leave because we dont want to get in trouble or anything and the cop acts like we are retarded saying "yeah, you're not making any purchases here" No shit dumbass.
So we leave, I looked inside as we pulled away and there was someone on the ground and people crying. I felt bad just going on with my life. But there was nothing I could do...
Oh yeah AND Mary's evil death lift tried to kill me... but that is a story for another day
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05:19 pm
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hard
I guess it has been awhile. I havent been having the easiest time of it lately. This cold wont stop and last night was awful. Tom and I were supposed to go out with friends but he ended up getting way upset, partly because his sugar was low and decided he wasing going. I havent had access to my meds in a few days so i didnt pressure him to go as I normally would because I was already depressed and anxious and not willing to deal with drama. Then WE ended up getting into it and he sped off. He came back and we hashed it out but last night was another near breakup for us. This past three months have been quite a challenge. I think Tom is depressed too but scared to admit it to himself. I told him he needed to start being more proactive about figuring out what is going on with him before he ruins every relationship he has because he is depressed and irritable. I feel really bad for ditching everyone. Ben and Jen I hope you got my message. I truely am sorry. He did change his mind about wanting to go but I was the one in bed.
Things are a bit better today, aside from both of us feeling bad. Tom is really trying to show me that he cares more, so that makes me feel nice. I am about to go out with Mary to a lifting demo and Mary always puts me in a good mood. Plus She'll let me vent... then it will be her turn.
I dont remember my last relationship being this hard... then again I only had to work at it one weekend a month. Six months and despite it all I am still in love... can't complain about that can ya? Well I am off. Ben and Jen, I am truely sorry again. I know there is no excuse but sometimes people do shitty things without meaning too. I still loves you guys!!!!
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02:53 pm
[Link] | Being sick blows... especailly since with this anxiety my brian is totally on high alert and trying to tell me I am dying... when I am not... at least I dont think so.
I blame charles... hangovers and colds are a shitty combo
Current Mood:  freakin out
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09:43 pm
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insecure much?
I guess I should update being is how I never do that anymore. Things have been going well, friday and Saturday were some pretty bad panic days but I think that is do to the fact that this evil cold I have was on its way making my body feel weird things and go on high alert. I feel awful, but I have to go out to rush tonight because it is charles' birthday. I',m ready to go but the boy is taking a short nap before we head out so that he is not cranky, I doubt we will stay long I am feeling worse by the second. But I think I look pretty even though no one told me so.
I got to see my sister and my baby today Keira came in the house, heard my voice and yelled "MY MISER!!!" Then ran to give me the biggest hug ever. My baby loves me. That makes me happy, I haven't felt much love lately at all.
Daddy is in florida and that is just not fair!
Enough sniffling I have to go blow my nose
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09:39 pm
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My new Icons!!!
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08:56 pm
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whoring my sister out
Everyone add my TWIN ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) ashawa see needs friends!!!
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10:23 am
[Link] | Tuesday was awful! I had to get my head shrinked, then my pelvis prodded (and not in the fun way) and then I came home to find my poor little spazzy baby dead. My poor hamster! I dunno what happened because he was fine on monday. I cried and I miss him. Right before we found him dead Charles said I could have a kitten, so I am trying to focus on that.
Trip up north was canceled this weekend so I am trying to decide between plans with friends here and going out to chitown. I DO miss my friends there but I am ALMOST broke and I wanna get my kitten while I still have monies. Plus chances of running into the ex are never fun. (Also I'll miss the boy. I know, I know it just a weekend)
Work is plugging a long I am feeling about 50% better half way there. Today I go to my meds appointment hopefully they will stabilize my mood somewhat so I stop getting irritated at the drop of a hat and stop being so flighty and distracted. My panic attacks have intercepted my sleeping time now too, thats not fun. Also, I am covered in patches of itchy red bumps... getting that looked at tomorrow.
so Chicago or Ann Arbor? Most votes wins (provided transportation pulls through)
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12:33 pm
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stolen, cuz I have nothing to say
Add em up If you go over 45, you're a bad influence. If you go under 10, chances are you live under a rock and have no life.
1. smoked
2. consumed alcohol
3. slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex
4. slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex
5. kissed someone of the same sex
6. had sex
7. had someone in your room other than family
8. watched porn
9. bought porn
10. done drugs
TOTAL: [9]
1. taken painkillers
2. taken someone else's prescription medicine
3. lied to your parents
4. lied to a friend
5. snuck out of the house
6. done something illegal
7. cut yourself
8. hurt someone
9. wished someone to die
10. seen someone die
TOTAL: [9]
1. missed curfew
2. stayed out all night
3. eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself
4. been to a therapist
5. been to rehab
6. dyed your hair
7. received a ticket
8. been in an accident
9. been to a club
10. been to a bar
T0TAL: [8]
1. been to a wild party
2. seen the Mardi Gras
3. drank more than four beers in a night
4. had a spring break in Florida
5. sniffed anything
6. wore black nail polish
7. wore arm band
8. wore t-shirts with band names
9. listened to rap
10. own a 50 Cent CD
TOTAL: [8]
1. dressed gothic
2. dressed prep
3. dressed punk
4. dressed grunge
5. stole something
6. been too drunk to remember anything
7. blacked out
8. fainted
9. had a crush on your neighbor
10. had someone sneak into your room
TOTAL: [9]
1. snuck into someone else's room
2. had a crush on your best friend
3. been to a concert
4. dry-humped someone
5. been called a slut
6. called someone a slut
7. installed speakers in your car
8. broken a mirror
9. showered at someone of the opposites sex's house
10. brushed your teeth with someone else's toothbrush
TOTAL: [8]
1. consider/considered Ludacris your favorite rapper
2. seen an R-rated movie in theater
3. cruised the mall
4. skipped school
5. had surgery
6. had an injury
7. gone to court
8. walked out of a restaraunt without paying
9. caught something on fire
10. lied about your age
TOTAL: [8]
1. owned an apartment
2. broke the law in the police's presence
3. cheated with someone
4. got in trouble with the police
5. talked to a stranger
6. hugged a stranger
7. kissed a stranger
8. rode in the car with a stranger
9. been harrassed
10. been verbally harrassed
TOTAL: [6]
1. met face-to-face with someone you met online
2. stayed online for 12 hours straight
3. talked on the phone for more than 4 hours straight
4. watched TV for 12 hours straight
5. been to a fair
6. been called a bad influence
7. drink and drive
8. prank-called someone
9. laid on a couch with someone of the opposite sex
10. cheated on a test
total: [9]
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09:02 pm
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tired
JEN WIFE SWAP HAS PIRATES!!!!
STEPHY WIFE SWAP HAS PSYCHO ORGANIZERS!!!!!
Anyway, i need to update. However I am not really in the mood so here is the short version.
I got to see three of my sisters in one weekend.
I was doing really well until sunday. Had to say home today because I couldn't move. Thank god therapy starts tommorrow.
Tom and I are talking trying to meet eachother in the middle. I love him, but changes have started
I proved to Tom that Grocery shopping can be done in under an hour :)
Got to hang out with people I haven't seen in sometime
Stephy has to visit so we can kiss for the camera... again... ;-p
Guess that is all
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09:23 pm
[Link] | I got my sex
Anyways tonight I didnt actually get to the grocery shopping because we went to Outback with Ben Jen and Chris instead. Hilarity ensued, and I learned that Chis likes to color but he doesn't like to share *sadface*
Ran into Alex at Outback, I haven't run into friends where I am not supposed to since GVSU
I added links to my page... I'm so full I keep throwing up a little in my mouth.... TMI
Pacey (from Dawson's creek) still makes me swooon.
thats all, I'm distracted.
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12:02 pm
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My brain....is rebeling I guess
I can't remember the last time I updated, or what I said, our what any of you said. My memory seem half functional as of late. Work has been kinda half ass since I've been back. We had a site reveiw tuesday which meant that the day was more about schmoozing the reviewers than working.
Yesterday was the bowling outing so that was 2 and a half hours at the office and the rest bowling with a good friend from cripple camp back in the days of not so complicated even though I made it complicated anyway. After that I went to Mom's a friend of mine from childhood wanted to join the program I run so she invited me to dinner. I was gonna walk over from Mom's but it was raining so her Mom said that she would get me at 6 two hours later she showed up. We didn't eat til nineish and I didnt get home til eleven. Despite the face that I havent been out that late in ages and missed spending the evening with Tom I had a good time.
That family practically raised me as a child and the friend, Katie, and I were inseperable but we grew up and grew apart and now see eachother about twice a year, so it is always nice when it happens. I felt like I talked to much, but I got a new Jacket... it is orange... yay!
My brain is trying to ruin my life. It keeps telling me there are problems with me and Tom that are not there, that he is mad at me, that I annoy him, that he thinks I am unnattrative and doesn't love me as much as he used to. He has never done one thing to make me think this but still I think it I worry over it constantly. I will write it down for the panic clinic see what they say.
I have been breaking out like mad lately and gaining weight... hello puberty... again.
Today I am going home, having sex and then going grocery shopping
Yay!
Tags: friends, health, self image, tom
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07:31 pm
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update
I know that I have been a bad friend to all of you lately not updating and keeping you updated on what is going on with me, esspecailly since a few of you have expressed concerns. It has been hell week for me anxiety attacks round the clock throwing up, headaches, no desire to do anything including get dressed let alone out of my bed. I had my first appointment at the anxiety clinic today. It went well. Once again I have been told I do indeed have anxiety, this is sometimes hard for me to grasp since for me, things like this arn't ever real, but just attempts at getting attention. Because my parents brought me up to believe that sort of thing, it has been hard for me to admit that I just can't suck things up and get on with things. I think that is why I am manifesting my anxiety into so many physical symptoms, because physical symptoms have clear cut answers... this does not. Anyway, I guess they are going to try some sort of cognitive approach on me, rework the way my brain reacts to things because at some point my brain started to react negatively to things it had simply brushed aside in the past, and I need to learn to brush them aside again. They are going to force me into panic in order to do this, not looking forward to that, but I am trying to focus on the end result. They also want to try some meds for a while, something more along the lines of the celexa I was taking earlier. In a weird way I am glad I went to the ER the other night. It seems to have gotten me on the right path. I still don't feel 100 percent everything feels like a duty or a chore. Even breathing, like I am doing it simply because it will keep everyone else off my back. I am going back to work tomorrow regardless of how I feel because I have been gone a week and I simply can not afford that.
Tom has been cleaning ( and therefore finding stuff for me to do) since we got home. He has been strange lately, I worry sometimes that this is all going to hit him one day and I just simply wont hear from him. I have been out of it for a week now and I feel kind've far away from everyone and everything. Each day seems to span years and time seems off somehow. I dunno. I am coping, soon I hope to be living again.
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